Buteriel
by AWildeRomantic
Summary: A crazy parody of "Sabriel". It deals with butter, and lotsa cheddar! Please R&R!
1. Prologue

Buteriel :  
A crazy parody of Sabriel  
  
A/n I would like to give proper thanks to "Lirael" for doing this with me. Also, I don't own "Lego" or any other brand name mentioned in the book, so sorry if that upsets anyone. Also, Garth Nix owns the original text, and any phrases copied in this work also belong to him. So sorry, I'm trying to parody not plagiarize, but I claim no rights to any of Garth's original work.  
  
" When the butter do walk, seek ovens run,  
for this the butter will always shun, Butter will melt into a broad lake,  
to spread on bread, which you'll freshly bake,  
If oven's broken, Microwaves thy friend,  
if both are bunk, it will be thy end!"  
  
Prologue  
  
It was little more than three miles into the OldCheese Kingdom, actually it was more like four miles. Bright sun could be seen shining across the legowall in Auntcellerstair. Here it was raining and the people who couldn't get tents up quick enough got wet, very wet.  
The midwife pulled her damp rag of a robe up over her head. She then bent over the woman, at least thats what she thought it was, rain and snot dripping from her nose onto the upturned face below. The midwife exhaled, then giggled as it came out in a puff of white. But no white came from the other woman's mouth. So she was ether dead, or didn't feel like breathing.  
  
The midwife scratched her head, then stood up. She did this too quickly and got dizzy. She then looked at the other Campers. Telling them everything they needed to know in less than ten words.  
  
The woman who had stumbled into their camp was DEAD!!! Just hanging on long enough to give birth to a skimpy baby.  
  
"The Kid too?" Asked one of the campers, a man who wore the mark of the cheddar freshly drawn in cheese spread on his forehead. "Then we won't need to baptize it...Her. WA HOO!" As he raised a napkin to wipe the mark from his forehead, a random hand shot out and gripped his. Pushing it down.  
  
"Peace all you kiddies!" Said an overly calm voice. "I mean not to...um... ok screw this! I am not going to eat you or anythin' !" The hand released its grip and floated back to its owner. Then the speaker stepped into the ring of fire, yelped as his boot caught alight, then stepped back next to the Cheddar priest. The campers giggled, but hands that had sprung to forks and string cheese did not relax. The man strode over to the bodies, looked at them in disgust, then turned back to the campers. He whipped off his tye-dye hood. His skin was pale, showing no summer tan. Ugh.  
  
"I am called, ABUTTERSEN!" He said. Several campers jumped, as though he had pinched them. "And I say that there will be a um....a... um.... Baptism. Yea, a baptism tonight!"  
  
The priest looked at the pathetically small bundle of rags and baby that the Midwife was holding. "The kid's dead, Abuttersen. We are campers, our lives lived in crummy nylon tents, we know death...um...lord."  
  
"Not like I do." replied Abuttersen, grinning maniacally, so his paper white face crinkled back, reveling teeth stained from eating so much butter. "And I say the childs not yet dead."  
  
The man looked at Abuttersen, then at his campers, then back again. Made up his mind and groaned. Then a woman said.  
  
"So it is easily done. Sign the child, Anvil. We will make a new camp at Levi Jeans ford. Join us when you're done." The cheddar priest bowed, then the campers began to pack. Piling Coleman lanterns and folding picnic tables and putting them on x-cargo horsetop carriers. The priest stayed by Abuttersen reluctantly, because his name was one of secrets, and unnamed flavors.  
  
When the midwife prepared to go Abuttersen said.  
  
"Hey! You! Don't leave, we'll need you.  
  
The midwife nodded, then looked at the baby, noticing it was a girl. Except for the fact that it was dead, she could have just been sleeping. She then held the baby out to the cheddar priest.  
  
"If the Cheddar does not-"began the man, stopping so Abuttersen could interrupt.  
"Let us see what the Cheddar spills, I mean wills." The man looked at the child again and sighed. Then he took a small flask from his side, took a swig, then held it aloft, crying out a chant that was the beginning of the Cheddar, one that listed life, the universe and everything. (A/n Douglas Adams rocks!) As he spoke the bottle began to flash with whirly lights, he then touched it to the ground, his forehead, then poured it over the baby. Nothing happened, except a Cheddar mark appeared on the child's forehead. Other than that, nothing. The priest shrugged, then continued,  
  
"By the Cheddar eaten by all things, we name thee-" Normally the childs parents would say a name, but only Abuttersen spoke, and he said:  
  
"Buteriel" As he said this the campers exchanged confused looks, what type of name was that?! But the Cheddar had accepted the baptism.  
  
"BUT SHE WAS....IS DEAD!?" screamed the Cheddar Priest. He looked over at Abuttersen, and Abuttersen looked at, nothing. He reminded everyone of a stupid cat staring at a wall. Except his body was becoming drenched in a covering of molten butter.  
  
He could hear the baby crying, which told him she had not yet passed beyond the first floor. The current was strong, but he knew this branch of the river. He waded on until he came across the baby, and the creature that was holding her. It was a few feet taller than Abuttersen, and had pale flashlights glowing where one might expect eyes. Abuttersen approached the creature slowly, keeping his eyes on the baby in the creatures hand. Slowly, he drew a small silver butter knife from the bandolier he wore across his chest. It was coated in pale yellow butter. But when he prepared to flick the butter at the creature, it spoke.  
  
"Spirit of your high school Abuttersen. You can't butter me up while I hold her. And perhaps I shall take her beyond this floor." Abuttersen frowned, then stopped for risk of wrinkles, and replaced the butter knife.  
  
"You have a new form Kerritop. And you are on this first floor. What bell boy helped you?" "One of the usual type. Inexperienced. I fired him. But now you have come to help me."  
  
"I who stuck you in a crappy room on the seventh floor? With no view of the park?!"  
  
"Yes, the iron does not escape you." He made as though to throw the baby down to the next floor, but she started crying. he got so startled that he promptly dropped her. Abuttersen scooped her up and headed back to the real world. The baby began to cry just seconds before Abuttersen returned. So the Midwife had time to push blankets around the tiny bare kid. As he returned to reality, Abuttersen wiped dripping butter from his lips.  
  
"Yummy. How's the kid?" He asked. The midwife, still slightly surprised replied.  
  
"Good. As you can see. But you are, a....a...."  
  
"A butterimancer? Yes but only of a sort. I melt those things of butter that normal butterimancers would solidify. I am Abuttersen, Dad, of Buteriel."  
  
A/N There, you like it? Keep your eyes open for more Buteriel Adventures. Where you will meet Maggot, Touchurne, and many more. Please Please please review!!! 


	2. Chapter 1

"Does the eater choose the cheese,  
or the cheese the eater?"  
-The Book of the Butter  
  
Chapter 1  
  
The rabbit had been squashed only minutes before, by a very heavy book. The book had catapulted out of a window. The rabbits eyes were still intact, and were slightly glazed, like doughnuts. The only problems were its flatness, and the blood staining its usually clean fur. For it's owner was a neat freak and the poor beast had just escaped a bath.  
  
A tall, oddly pale young woman stood over the messy excuse for a rabbit. Her dark black hair (obviously a dye job) hung over her face, hiding the disgusted look on it. By the Cheddar! She thought, I wonder who'll clean up this mess. She wore no make up yet, her compact had fallen from her hand when she nearly trod on the book and rabbit. The only jewelry she wore was a pin, stuck haphazardly on her very retro school uniform. The pin said "Buteriel, 6th form Perfect". This proclaimed her to be utterly perfect in every way.  
  
She nudged the mess with her boot. Nothing happened. She nudged it again, still nothing happened. Finally she gave up and proclaimed it dead. She looked up from it to admire the front of her school. A heavy wrought iron gate surrounded it, at least it looked like iron, but on closer inspection one would see it to be only fiberglass. A sign hung next to the gate, written on it in really cheesy mock gothic letters was:  
" Wyvern College, established in 1652 for young ladies,  
Who want to act look and smell like rich snobs.  
And learn Cheddar magic. And who like dragons."  
Pinned beneath the sign was an ad for homemade soap.  
  
Butteriel wasn't looking at the sign. Nor was she seeing how much soap cost. She was looking at the small girl who had just flipped over the fence, ignoring the open gate next to her. It was the rabbits owner, Jacass. She saw Buteriel, the book, the rabbit, then screamed angrily,  
  
"What did you kill bunny for, Buteriel?!" Buteriel looked shocked then realized what this looked like. Oh well, she though, I guess I'll have to bring it back. With that she crouched next to the bunny and closed her eyes.  
  
Jacass stopped short, Swirls of steam were beginning to flow around Buteriel. Also what looked like melted butter was flowing up from her feet and slowly drenching her entire body. She suddenly lurched forward and fell on top of the squashed bunny. Jacass shouted again, but Buteriel stood up and grinned. She then pulled out a top hat, and out of that pulled Bunny, all happy and peppy and jumpy and smelly and.  
  
Buteriel sat in her privet study that she shared with a random hobo. She was feeling guilty, not about making Jacass happy, but for going into the river of Dairy, where all spirits passed before reaching the final resting place. She had promised her dad, Abuttersen, that she would not bring anything back. Not unless he approved, because, they always say, "Betcha' can't bring back just one!" And it was just as easy to bring back a person, and they couldn't have Jacass's dead grandma running around now could they? No, she would try and knit them all argyle socks!  
  
Anyway, back to Buteriel. She was sitting in her favorite puffy armchair, waiting for her dad. Actually, not him in a corporeal way. When the moon was full and high in the sky, her fathers head would appear floating in the giant crystal ball Buteriel kept on her coffee table. Then they would talk.  
  
Buteriel always had to do things just so while waiting for her dad. First she would pour herself a cup of tea, smash it, pour another, and drink that one. She would then balance the empty cup on the arm of her chair and read Spot goes to the beach, while waiting for the moon to rise. (Buteriel was waiting, not spot.)  
  
Buteriel was looking forward to Abuttersen's next visit. She had just graduated and needed to talk about what she was going to do after school. Ms. Umbrella, the head mistress had suggested that Buteriel go to a university. Ms. Umbrella was particularly fond of Buteriel. Probably because her father had lotsa dough, and Buteriel was good at acting like a rich snob. But anyway. So Buteriel was sitting reading.  
  
" 'Lets go!' said Spot..." Buteriel mumbled to herself. " 'I want to go now..." Buteriel was just drifting off to sleep when someone pounded on her door.  
  
"Open up, its the police! Dun dun duuuuunnn! No actually its me, Owlwin. I opened the outside door, even though I'm not supposed to. Then I let in this really evil and foul butter spirit. Thought you ought to know. It's getting ready to eat us." Silence. Buteriel leapt up, threw open the door, (squashing Owlwin against the wall) and ran into the little 1st form girls dorm room. Once in there she began to run towards the open door at the other end.  
  
She knocked down a lava lamp, producing a shout from one of the girls. She stopped short when she saw... the thing at the end of the dorm. It was awful it was the.......one eyed....one horned....blind.....PURPLE PEOPLE EATER!!!! The girls began to scream as the thing began advancing on Buteriel, growling to itself while clutching a bag to it's chest.  
  
"My precious....stupid fat hob- oops wrong movie. GRROWWL!" This caused Buteriel to jump slightly. But she then got an odd urge to look at the creature through Dairy, so she slowly reached for the elevator door that would take her into Dairy.  
  
The river of molten butter tugged at her feet, but she resisted. The one eyed, one horned, blind, purple people eater stood before her. Buteriel gasped as she saw the black jump rope that ran from the creatures back and deeper into the river. Somewhere, past the first floor, the other handle lay in the hand of a greater, butter turner. Just as Buteriel bent down to get some butter to eat, someone tapped her shoulder, back in reality. Then the school's Magicstix Wormwood's voice sounded in Buteriel's ear.  
  
"What the hell is it?" She sounded mad, slightly amused, with a bit of sadness stuck in in place of ketchup. Buteriel returned her mind to consciousness to speak with the Magicstix.  
  
"Its a butter spirit. I'm going to make it talk to me, otherwise I'll throw a fit." She slipped back into dairy. The creature was looking at her with it's one blind eye.  
  
"Hello?" She asked quietly of the thing. When it didn't answer right away, she began to scream. It put its fingers in its Shrek like ears and dropped the sack it had been holding. While reaching down to pick it up the thing upended into the river, when it bobbed above the surface it cried in a voice very much like Abuttersens,  
  
"Buteriel, my messenger brought you the sack! Now take it Cheddar damn you!" Buteriel simply shouted some more at this. But she did bend down and pick up the sack before returning to reality and stopping her fit.  
  
She sat cross legged on the ground and put the sack on her lap. She then eagerly opened it, felling much the same way she did at Christmas. First she pulled out a long, fancy scabbard. Inside was a Cheddar spelled steel, elongated spatula. Buteriel pulled it out and practiced a couple dueling moves with it, it was good. Much better balanced than the schools uninspired utensils. After replacing the spatula, she pulled the other thing out of the bag. It was a leather bandolier, and belt to hold the spatula. The bandolier had seven tubular pouches, ranging from the size of one of those orange bottles used to keep medicine in, to the size of a small pickle jar. Out of the top of these stuck mahogany handles. Buteriel opened one of the pouches and pulled on the handle. Out came a silver butter knife. It's blade was coated with creamy butter, the fumes wafted out and made everyone sleepy.  
  
"Ran, its the sleeping butter." She commented. She then replaced the butter knife. Magicstix Wormwood looked shocked and stared at Buteriel.  
  
"But these are the tools of a butterimancer, yet there are cheddar marks on the handles! How can this be?" She had dropped back into her formality obviously. "Butterimancy is Soy Magic, not governed by the charter."  
  
"Father was different. He wasn't a butterimancer, nor a normal cheddar mage. He was Abuttersen. Now I'm afraid he's trapped in Dairy. And is body lies somewhere in the Oldcheese Kingdom. I think. I must go there and find him." The Magicstix sighed, then spoke.  
  
"I had a vision. That one day, you would pass the Lego Wall into the old cheese kingdom. You should go prepare for your journey."  
  
"Yes." Said Buteriel. "I should." With that she got up, put on the spatula belt and Bandolier, and walked through the doorway. Suddenly there was a loud crash, She had accidentally walked into a closet. Buteriel returned looking slightly dusty. With a frown she walked out the right door.  
  
A/N I would like to thank Queerquail and Wild Blood Rose for their reviews (My first ever, yay! :D ) To answer your questions: No, I'm not JUST rewriting the book, I'm following it, but not word for word. And yes Buteriel will be slightly bratty. TO clarify what death has become: Death (the river) is "Dairy" A river of melted butter consisting of nine floors. The dead are referred to "The butter" and Free magic is "Soy Magic". 


	3. Chapter 2

Chapter II  
  
A/N If you are a puritan, or like puritans, or generally stand up for them; First, stop hating on witches, cause we don't worship Satan, just a bunch of cool god/desses. Second: I hope you don't get offended, I'm not trying to annoy anybody. Also, I don't own "Zainy Brainy" McDonalds, or yahoo.  
  
The penciline in Auntcellerstair ran from coast to coast, parallel to the Lego wall and perhaps a half mile from it. Broken concertinas lay in the dusty no-body-wants-to-go-there land, forward defenses for the interlocking trenchcoats and orange pillboxes, that formed the penciline. In an emergency, the soldiers would get out of their trenchcoats and play the broken concertinas, this usually scared off any enemy, Realistic or Butter.  
  
But they worked better on realistic, living things. The penciline did better in fact, at keeping the folks of Auntcellerstair out of the Old Cheese Kingdom, than keeping the butter out of Auntcellerstair. But that was just, well, stupid, because their job was to run around like pompous idiots with moustaches, pinning plastic honor medals to their shirts and saying things like " 'ere! You can't do that, that's the bloody bayonet!" Note: you must say this with an over exaggerated cockney accent, otherwise it just isn't funny.  
  
Due to the unreliability of Auntcellerstierran technology (AIM kept crashing their computers, and none had e-mail accounts), the soldiers would communicate by wearing shirts made out of Mail (letters, and postcards from Aunty Sue) over their booger colored battle dresses. They had helmets that resembled Darth Vader's, no less, and carried Shields (or more correctly " wooden, small, and bought at zany brainy for two dollars, Sunday sale special only") Buteriel watched a group of young soldiers march past the window of the bus. The tourists ahead of her were having trouble, their Hawaiian print shirts kept catching on the rails of the stairs. But they finally got off, and Buteriel followed. When she dismounted, she looked at the great Lego wall.  
  
Each separate brick dripped with Cheddar marks. The tourists were starring up at it with curious glances, and sometimes, crackers. They would all be from the south, where Cheddar was just another type of cheese, and dairy products were always on sale.  
Buteriel looked around. She spotted a sign that said:  
  
PENCILINE CONTROL NORTHERN ARMY INTELLIGENCE (sorry for the oxymoron)  
Unauthorized eagles in the Penciline are strictly forbidden.  
Anyone attempting to go over the Penciline will be shot with spitballs and orange pill boxes until they say uncle.  
Authors or Travelers must report to the Penciline Commander's H.Q (Home of Quiet)  
REMEMBER no warning, sound, trenchcoat, coffee or bathroom break will be given.  
Some restrictions may apply, see hq for details.  
  
Buteriel quivered with excitement. Her memories of the Old Cheese Kingdom were dim, perhaps because the light bulb hadn't been invented there yet. She felt free, for the first time after going to school, no longer would she have to attend boring classes....Whee...she thought. I feel like a happy Llama...she made the happy llama hand sign to her self, and giggled.  
  
Suddenly, two soldiers popped out of a nearby trenchcoat and yelled  
  
"BOO!" Buteriel looked at them, she blinked, they blinked, this went on for about five minutes, then Buteriel shrieked,  
  
"Ahhh! Help, someone said Boo!" The soldiers sighed then asked her what the hell she was doing.  
  
"I'm eating a doughnut." She said sarcastically.  
  
"Ahhh, can I have one?" The slower of the soldiers said.  
  
"No. If I had one I'd shove it up your ass." She snarled at them. This made the soldiers very not happy. They wanted to see her papers saying she could pass the Lego Wall. She was reluctant to show them, because the photo of her on them wasn't nice, her hair was all messy. But she showed them. They took a little too long goggling at the photo of her, (The sad thing was the day it was taken, all she had to wear was a tube top and mini skirt, Which made her look like a slut. The guys loved it, but Buteriel thought that her hair was too messy.) Anyway, what was going on? Oh yes.... They were taking too long looking at her photo, so she began to sketch the cheddar marks for snatching. Just as her tongue was making the first mark, a bunch of Puritan guards popped out of another trenchcoat.  
  
"Repent ye!" They cried pointing bayonets at her. Then to the two soldiers "Step back, she could be the bearer of a Soy Milk mark! Then she would be a spawn of EEEEVVVIIILLLL! We must make sure it is a true cheddar mark that she has on her forehead!" With that, they took a piece of white bread, walked up to Buteriel, who was frozen between laughing and running away. The leader, took the piece of white bread and touched it to her forehead.  
  
Suddenly he was falling, falling through the endless cheddar. Only to fall with a whomp in the mud. Buteriel laughed, then helped him up.  
  
"Thank ye!" He said. After telling the others to go back to church, he led Buteriel into the comfy H.Q. "I am Colonel Mustard, in the bedroom with a knife. No. Actually I'm Colonel Horseye. And who would you be? With an uncorrupted Cheddar mark and a Old Cheese Kingdom passport?" Buteriel took the proffered tea and, after a sip that scalded her mouth, spoke.  
  
"I am Buteriel. Daughter of Abuttersen. My e-mail is My screen name is Kudos101. I work at McDonalds on Saturdays. Blah. Blah blah." These last three words told Horseye all he needed to know. She was indeed Abuttersen's daughter, right down to her insufferable preppy-ness.  
  
"Yes...Abuttersen's daughter. I would recognize you anywhere."  
  
"So you knew my father?" Buteriel asked. At that moment, Horseye was taken over by a crazy baboon.  
  
"Correction, I know your father." "But...he was in Dairy...I thought he was dead!"  
  
"Look inside your mind...there are voices there. Listen to them. Your father had them too....you see...his schizophrenia lives in you!" Horseye then fell forward into his tea and biscuits. He sat up and cried.  
"Whot?! Go-on! I gots moi cockney accent back! Eewww 'Enery 'Iggins!" Buteriel smacked him on the button, then he went back to normal.  
  
"Er. Sorry 'bout that. I kinda loose it when that monkey takes over. Anyway.. so you need to go save your father. Gotcha. Heres a map.. Take ten paces east then walk north until you see the gate. Walk through.... and I hope you enjoy your stay. Thank you for traveling with Penciline Army Intelligence! Remember, vote in the election! Note, you must be eighteen or older to vote, twenty-one to play bingo, and an jackass to be Bush...have a nice day!"  
  
Buteriel was then shoved out into the bright Auntcellerstairian sunlight. She followed Horseye's directions. Soon she came to an opening in the Lego wall. She was stopped briefly by some idiots there, but then she was finally let through the wall. Unfortunately, all the platoons were asleep, so none could escort her through. So she walked on, a lonely figure.  
  
As she passed under the arch, she looked up. Each small colored brick of the Lego wall was covered with Cheddar marks. As she passed under, one dripped cheese on her nose, as if the thing was saying, "Welcome to the Old Cheese Kingdom, I hope you enjoy your stay!" It was snowing in the old cheese kingdom. This wasn't odd. Sometime in the making of the world, the gods of Auntcellerstair and the Old Cheese Kingdom had a disagreement, so now the weather in the two countries was always opposite, no matter the season.  
  
Buteriel continued on, skiing on some skies stolen from the army barracks. She pressed on, hoping to reach a small hill called Barhead. There was a Cheddar chunk there, she thought this would be a good place to start looking for Abuttersen. 


End file.
